new year

Happy New Year!

It’s a mild and calm evening on the 5th Jan 2015 and I’ve decided to open a bottle of red and reflect on what’s been happening in my life over the last couple of weeks. I felt I needed to take a wee break during the Christmas period, you might say a Christmas holiday. So I backed away from all the projects I had been currently working on and put the laptop away. I even took a break from the mindfulness course I was currently doing, as some of you may already know and might have even read my blogs. Part of the reason I had started the mindfulness course was to help me find some balance and to take back control of my life again, after a somewhat stressful year. I remember around two weeks ago saying to my partner, right that’s it…. the computer is going off for the next few weeks and I’m taking a break from everything and I’m going to enjoy getting into the Christmas spirit and spend some quality time with my family and friends. The next day I woke up not feeling so good, I haven’t been sick in about two or three years, this was going to be a disaster as it was Christmas day soon! I’m also a musician so I couldn’t afford to be sick, this was one of the busiest periods of the year. It started out in my head and sinus, sure I’ll be grand and just got on with it, but I really wasn’t, and it wasn’t long till it moved into my chest and then it was starting to effect my singing which wasn’t good for business. So after a week of herbal remedies and potions with no sign of improvement, I took myself off to the doctor and got the dreaded antibiotic. About a week in and today is the first day I actually feel back to myself again. For the last two weeks I have been feeling pretty rotten, low and fearful of the new year creeping its way closer and closer with each passing day, and not feeling any way prepared for it.
I don’t really know why I’m writing this, I may not even post it but I just feel the need to express some of my thoughts because I feel I am a completely different person to the one I have been over the last year. Not to mention the last two weeks. Or maybe I’m just finding my way, back to myself? I think some of you reading this may be able to resonate with what I’m trying to say, it’s just I think for a lot of people out there in the world, many of them are struggling in the daily grind of day to day living, with so many demands and so many commitments, and I think to myself, it can’t be “just me” that tends to worry about nearly everything, and feels overwhelmed when things get too much or don’t go to plan. Just to break it down last year I kinda went through a period of loosing my life’s purpose, it’s a long story and it will remain locked inside of me, you don’t need to know the details. All you need to know is that when the darkness comes, and you “want” to step into the light, some day the light will shine in on you and you will see everything differently. For some this light can last a life time, for some it can last a year, 6 months or even just moments. For other’s they might not want to step into the light at all. But when it does finally come you feel so alive. I felt that today, for the first time in over a year. The real me was emerging again, hallelujah!! While I was sick over the last two weeks, I totally switched off from the world, I watched TV, ate what I wanted, stayed in my pj’s and just vegged out. Did I feel guiltily? Yes. I don’t know why…surely I could let myself away with not feeling guilty, after all I was sick….. but sadly I did. At that time and in that frame of mind I was secretly dreading the new year, how was I going to achieve all the things that I wanted to achieve, there was so much to do, suddenly I was feeling really overwhelmed, so I gave up thinking about that too, I just numbed my mind with box set TV hour after hour. Once I finally surrendered to my sickness I was finally able to say “Fuck off” to any worry or negative internal dialogue that tried to creep it’s way into my mind. It’s funny but I actually think I really needed to do that, I think my body needed to switch off so that it could shut down and then reboot when it was ready.
If I wasn’t allowing myself time to switch off and take a break, I mean a proper one, then my body was going to step in and do it for me. Even though it was Christmas and New Year, I’m actually really glad I got sick. It was hell at the time and I really felt totally out of sorts, lost, and pretty down with all sorts of negative thinking patterns. But if my body hadn’t stepped in that time I announced I was actually ready to take a break, then I don’t think I would of totally been able to switched off.
So today the 5th Jan I now for the first time this year feel excited about the future. I have recovered in not just my body but also my mind. I realize what is really important and I now know what I want. I am ready. I have my goals, so as far as I’m concerned this is the first day of my new year, and for the first time in a long time I can honestly say “happy new year” and feel good about it!